Dear Joan:

I am a very lucky woman who has achieved a wonderful executive position in a local government office. I report to a male manager, with whom I have an excellent working relationship. My co-workers consist of three other male executives and one female office assistant.

In general, our office works well as a team but I am currently experiencing two gender bias issues that I have difficulty overcoming.

To begin, my manager and his male staff members often socialize together on staff time, ranging from lunches together to a day out golfing. I would gladly participate in these events, as I feel that social networking is important. But their social plans are made quietly and I am not invited. On the rare occasion that all staff are invited to company dinners, we socialize well together and enjoy each other's company. I have mentioned several times to the group that I would love to be involved in a game of golf but they do not respond to my hints.

My second issue revolves around coverage for our female office assistant. I do not mind covering telephones and in person customer inquiries when needed, but my manager does not ensure that the assistant has coverage for her lunch and now she asks for my help daily. When I ask my manager to create a rotating schedule for coverage, he does so for a short time, and then he lets the issue drop. I've asked if I can help by creating a weekly rotating schedule for him but he politely reminds me that it is his job, not mine.

I feel respected for my abilities, as I have received several accolades and referrals based on my work performance and innovative ideas but I cannot seem to gain the respect of my manager. He tells me on a regular basis that I am his best executive, yet he treats me like a subordinate and outsider.

Do you have any suggestions or tactics that I might employ to bring about change in our office?

Answer:

Your manager is patting you on the head and telling you that you are a good girl. But his actions speak so loudly, his words sound hollow and patronizing.

The tricky part to this situation is this: to say nothing makes you appear compliant; to say something inappropriate could cause a negative backlash that strengthens your boss's gender bias. Let's tease this issue apart and look at alternatives.

The goal is to establish an equal footing and have equal opportunity for challenging work and career advancement. Your manager and the rest of the team may not be doing any of this maliciously, so it's best to give them the benefit of the doubt.

However, at the heart of this is respect. I've spoken to other female managers and executives, who shared similar stories. In one case, when coffee was not present at a meeting, her male peers looked at her and asked her where it was. She replied, "I have no idea." In another meeting scenario, when someone asked, "Who is going to take notes?" the male team looked at her and expected that she would automatically do it. Her response was to say, "Charlie, I took them last time. It looks like it's your turn now."

These responses were delivered in a neutral, matter-of-fact tone.

In your case, it seems as if your manager views backing up the assistant as "girl" work. Since you've been doing it daily, you need to go to the assistant and tell her, "I won't be able to back you up on a daily basis anymore. My schedule is too full. You'll need to find a way to get the rest of the team to help you out." This should trigger her to go talk to her manager. He will be hard pressed to let the rest of the team off the hook and expect you to do it every day. Right now, you are doing it by default and you're allowing them to take advantage of you.

Regarding your manager, I recommend that you schedule a time to talk. You need to lay your concerns on the table in a tactful way that lets him save face but lets him know how you feel and what you want. "I really enjoy this team and I value you and my co-workers. But there is something that is concerning me and I know you'd want to know if there was something that was interfering with my job satisfaction. I feel that while you say you value my work, you don't treat me with the same level of respect you show to my other peers. Let me give you some examples…"

Be prepared to tell him what you would like him to do in the future. Regarding golf, you may want to state that when there is one person on the team who is not invited to a social event-particularly on work time-- (whether it's a male or a female) it limits that person's ability to bond and network in ways that put the person at a disadvantage, even from a career advancement perspective.

Make sure that you keep a professional and upbeat attitude throughout the conversation. Accusations and emotion will only muddy the water. In the end, all you want-and all you deserve-is to be on a level playing field.