funerals - when to go?

[dettu]

I support a director and four managers. Of the four, the one I like best (perhaps my favorite boss ever) lost his father early this week. Visitation at the funeral home (i.e. wake) is tomorrow afternoon. I have, of course, ordered flowers on the company's behalf, but because I like this manager so much, I feel that it might be appropriate for me to visit.

I've never met anyone in his family, not even his wife. But I work closely with him and would like to offer that support.

Right now I'm hoping that one of his direct reports will go with me, so I don't have to show up alone in a room full of grieving relatives who've never met me. And I'm hoping that my black pantsuit is a good choice for what to wear--it's unbelievably cold here and I'd rather not wear a skirt.

Do you ever attend a wake for an employee's or manager's family member?

[diamondlady]

Best if you can get someone to go with you representing the company would be nice.  However, I've been to extremes where our whole company shut down to attend employee funerals, etc. but never for a family member really.

I'm sure others will offer some advice for you.  I can only offer my sympathies.  

Diamondlady
Peer Moderator

[reddrogue]

Yes.  It is good etiquette, and people usually really appreciate it (if they know you), and you come to share their grief and offer some consoling words or a card (both, preferably).  It sounds like this guy already knows who you are, so you probably don't need to take someone with you.  It might make things a little more comfortable for you, though.  I don't like going to funerals/wakes by myself at all.  But if you have the time, it is a kind thing to do.  Its not like you are going to the funeral where the close family and friends will be grieving.  If you know the person (and they know you , it is always appropriate to go to the wake.  

RR  

[donnap99]

I totally agree with RR. A close colleague lost her father a few weeks ago, and I went to the visitation. Even if it's just for 10 minutes. It is uncomfortable to be in a room full of people you don't know. It makes me really really anxious to be in that situation. But to just show up and offer your support means so much.

I hope it goes well for you.

DonnaP99

[officeguru]

I will make an appearance to a service or viewing if it involves the family member of a someone in our department - or someone I have interaction with on a regular basis.  We had 2 employees of our department lose members of their immediate family last week - the funeral that will be held locally I may make an appearance.  The other funeral was held in Italy and the company sent flowers and cards for that one.  And for my own personal comfort, I try to go with another co-worker - or my boyfriend will go with me.

My bf's grandfather passed away almost 2 months ago - I was amazed at how many former employees made an appearance to pay their respects.  For people to be impacted by someone that held a 'regular' job, have a family, and just be himself - he had alot of impact on others.  And my bf's grandmother was gratefull for those that did stop by, even though she didn't know them.

[dettu]

Yes, my co-worker did say she'd go with me and I have informed Big Bossie that I'm going and may not be back, depending on how long we're there (we'll take separate cars).

I'm glad to know this is normal procedure. Usually our employees' families live out of town and a visitation is out of the question, but because this is local, it's good to know I "should" go.

[virtuallysorted]

I have always been told that the rule of thumb is not to go unless you would know the person to say hello to in the street.  

I guess that extends to this situation, although your manager may appreciate some extra support.

[hgray]

Main boss lost his father a few weeks ago and myself and the other Director I work for went to the funeral  -  more as support for him than anything else (although I do know his wife and family)

[dettu]

I did go, and he was very glad to see me and gave me a hug. I'm glad now that I went. His dad was apparently quite a character--they had lots of old photos etc. posted. It gives me insight into my manager and his family--plus I was able to meet his wife and kids.

[raindance]

That's nice to hear, Dettu.  It's important to go to such things, even if they are sad occasions.  

As for clothes, whilst black is traditional in most cultures, something plain and dark (such as charcoal gray or dark navy) is usually a safe bet.  There is nothing worse than a person turning up at a funeral dressed in deepest mourning when the dear departed's family is togged out in bright red because that was his favourite colour.

Best wishes,

Raindance

[whitesatin]

I recently lost my father.  My take on the matter is that the funeral is more for the grieving family and friends, not for the deceased (even though I believe strongly that it does honor the deceased).  I was so very grateful for the attendance of those I did not know because I knew that they were there because my father had touched them and was very important to them.  Always follow your heart.  God bless all of you that make that extra effort to honor and comfort those that have suffered the loss of a loved one, even though you don't know the family.  You are a huge comfort.

WhiteSatin