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Judy Loux
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« on: December 12, 2002, 03:33:27 pm » |
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I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will
no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia,
North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas,
Alabama, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due to the
overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract
was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local
209. As part of the new and better contract I also get
longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good
hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my
third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from
the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to
all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few
differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents
from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a
bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith
and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that
children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie]
on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips
a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can
handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin'
coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of
loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and
Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and
Blitzen.." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear,
"On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott, and Petty."
5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you
also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd
dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus'
sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the
back with the words "Back Off."
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on
34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown
in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see
"Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV"
featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state
patrol cars crashing into each other.
And Finally,
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd
make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way
when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
Sincerely Yours,
S. Claus
DDiva
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