Don't feel valued

[chattycathy]

A young colleague of mine forwarded an email to me that he received from my boss wishing him a happy Easter and telling him how much he valued his contribution and that his hard work had not gone unnoticed! I've worked for this guy for seven years and he's never ever wished me a happy Easter/birthday/Christmas or said he values my hard work. I am really upset and don't know whether to ignore it and feel resentful or whether to mention it to him and
risk looking pathetic. It hurts so much. I couldn't speak when I read the email! I'm a professional, loyal and dedicated PA. Because I'm a strong woman I think he thinks I have no feelings. What would you do?   

[peaches2160]

Don't take it personally. Managers use praise as a tool at times to motivate others and help them to achieve.  He may feel you do not need this, although we all need an "atta boy" at times.  Do you wish him Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, Happy Easter, etc.?  If so, what is response?  Do you ever tell your boss, hey, great presentation, after he has made a presentation you have attended?  Just curious.  Sometimes, in order to get that mode of reinforcement started, you have to initiate it.  Just a thought.

[msmarieh]

Personally I wonder about the motivations of the colleague who forwarded the email to you. That was quite insensitive and I would wonder if he was trying to rub your nose in it, although since you say he is young, he may have just been very excited to have received it and not realized how thoughtless that was.

It's quite possible, if the colleague is young as you say, that the boss felt a particular need to give positive reinforcement and encouragement. I think it's somewhat human nature to want to do that if someone is just starting out in a profession, but we don't see it as being as necessary (unfortunately) after a certain number of years.

You should absolutely ignore it rather than resenting it. It does you no good whatsoever (and a LOT of ill) to get emotionally upset by something that was an omission rather than an actual insult and in fact, it can make you look unprofessional and childish. Remember the classic phrase:  Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.  It is a negative emotion and does nothing but bring negative energy into your life and it is not going to hurt or damage anyone but you.

The larger questions at hand here are… Did you feel unappreciated by your boss BEFORE you saw this email? Does your boss express appreciation to everyone else BUT you? How are your performance reviews? Are they all generally positive and do they indicate that your boss has a very favorable impression of you?

If the answer is yes, then it’s time to arrange a private meeting with your boss. You can’t just expect him to figure out by osmosis that you resent that he praised a co-worker in a private email (and I know it’s that you resent that he DIDN’T praise you of course, but look at this from his perspective).

First, you need to set aside your emotions and hurt, and put that email out of your mind - since it is not relevant to your boss appreciating you or not appreciating you..

Instead, you could say something along the lines of: Boss, I've worked for you a long time, and overall I think we have a great working relationship and understand each other. But there are times where I feel somewhat taken for granted and underappreciated. I would very much like to receive periodic acknowledgement of my efforts or for you to say something if you are pleased with my performance during the year, instead of just during a performance review. I don’t mean you have to give me insincere compliments every day, but  more than once a year would really go a long way in making me feel like a valued member of the team.

Good luck and let us know what you decide to do.

[gee4]

I have mixed feelings on this.....on one hand I would be wary of the colleague who forwarded the email and on the other I would be wondering what is going on with your boss.

Perhaps you do need a sit down discussion with him if you feel that undervalued, however I wouldn't go barging into his office just yet.

Once again this could be one of those situations many of us have faced over the years....where bosses don't feel the need to say how wonderful we are.  It is expected of us to do a good job every day whether we get praise or not.  Perhaps your colleague did something you don't know about and your boss has felt the need to pass on a few words of encouragement, perhaps he is being monitored, perhaps he needs a kick up the wotsit, who knows.

What is your relationship with this colleague?  Does he email you often?  How well do you know him?

I think I would leave things alone for now.  Don't analyse it too much as you will give yourself a headache.  However in a few months time if you still feel the same way, have that chat with your boss as Marie says.  Personally it seems strange that any boss would send an employee an email of this nature.

[Cathy S]

A young colleague of mine forwarded an email to me that he received from my boss wishing him a happy Easter and telling him how much he valued his contribution and that his hard work had not gone unnoticed!

I was just reading over this again and one thought occurs ... this is a young colleague and your boss states that "his hard work had not gone unnoticed" is there either currently a promotion/vacancy or is there about to be one that they wish to encourage this young man to apply for.  With legislation the organisation has to be careful about letting employees know they're considered a suitable candidate and the informal message you have seen would be an acceptable way of flagging it up.

Like the others have said, what you cannot see is the context in which this statement was made ... there are many scenarios it could fit.

You also have received good advice that if after sometime you still feel the same way about being undervalued you need to seek a discussion ... but only if you truly do feel that way. 

However, I too subscribe to the theory that, if your boss never wishes you well for holidays or sincerely thanks you, you can lead by finding suitable opportunities to offer positive reinforcement to your boss; so "I have heard very positive comments about the budget briefing you delivered on Monday ..." even as far as " ... everyone is talking about that Powerpoint slide we worked on to illustrate X, Y, Z"  There is nothing wrong with identifying your contribution with his success ... but don't fall into the trap of "everyone thinks that slide I redid for you made the whole briefing"

Good luck

Cathy