In the news...

[mina]

Carrying on from my news headlines post I thought I'd post this for others who are looking out on a dreary Monday morning and would appreciate a smile.  Mina


Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for NorthWest Gas said: “We agree is was rather high for the time of year.  It’s possible Mr. Purdey as been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.”
(The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers.  When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(Manchester Evenings News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description.  It’s a Special Branch vehicle and they don’t want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30-year-old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his dame by deed poll to “Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist B******s”.  Yorkshire Bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr. B******s has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name.
(The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster.  A coast guard spokesman commented: “This sort of thing is all too common.”
(The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed.  He replied that he was sorry, but he didn’t have a gauge.  However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden.  He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled.  “He’d always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out ‘Heil Hitler’.”
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

A s*x line caller complained to Trading Standards.  After dialling an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled “Hear ME Moan”, the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house.  Consumer watchdogs in Dorset refused to look in to the complaint, saying “He got what he deserved.”
(The Gloucester Citizen)

We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that “Mr Fred Nicolme is a defective in the police force.”  This was a typographical error.  We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a detective in the police force.
(Derby Abbey Community News)

In Sydney, 120 men named Henry attacked each other during a “My Name is Henry” convention.  Henry Pantie of Canberra accused Henry Pap of Sydney of not being a Henry at all, but in fact an Angus.  “It was a lie,” explained Mr Pap, “I’m a Henry and always will be.”  Henry Pap attacked Henry Pantie, whilst two other Henrys – Jones and Dyer – attempted to pull them apart.  Several more Henrys – Smith, Calderwood and Andrews – became involved and soon the entire convention descended into a giant fist fight.  The brawl was eventually broken up by riot police, led by a man named Shane.
(The Scottish Big Issue)

[JessW]

Beautiful!




sorry,  just bit through a stick of Hastings rock I was nibbling on!  bits everywhere - not a pretty sight

Jess

[gordon]

That cheered up my afternoon.

keep posting them.

Gordon.

[sobriquetnic]

Brilliant!  Love the bank deed poll one!

All the best,
Nicola.