A PA's Perspective on Conferences
DeskDemon user, Lee Morrisey gives us a personal perspective with her A-Z of conferences. Lee regularly organises her company's events and whilst her article may be of little practical use - it might help you smile at the next delegate - rather than hit them with a tea urn. Lee is currently trying to stay calm through planning a conference for 250, which she likens to herding drunken cats.
By – Lee Morrisey
- is for aaaargh, the noise you will be making in a short while.
- is for booking. You should now be booking for 2025. It doesn't matter if you've no conference in mind, just book something. It's the only way to get a decent venue.
- is for content. Bossie will change this at 4.30 on the afternoon before the conference when you'll suddenly be asked to rustle up two new speakers, one of whom works for NASA. Gov, you stand about as much chance as getting a signal back from the Beagle.
- is for delegates, the little darlings. They will expect you to know every one of the delegates and staff, the local transport system and where they can buy a suitable toy for a 3 year old. And how much the postage on that will be airmail to Mexico City.
Steer them towards the breaktime Danish pastries. The sugar may make them a little badly-behaved during the next session but you aren't running the next session, so eminent people mooning the speaker while on a sugar high is not your problem, is it? - is for enough, which is what you will have had by 4.30pm and entertainment, much of which is to be had at conferences if you can keep a sense of perspective (see R).
- stands for faith, which is what you must have in your conference venue team. I have yet to run a conference where they really did put out 20 chairs rather than 200 because my handwriting is so bad.
- represents groups, large and small. If possible with your small groups, put people with strongly opposing views in with a facilitator they can't stand. Your conferences will become legendary as reports of the rows circulate. You'll be treble-booked for the next one which is a bargaining tool for a raise. Hurrah!
- is for hall, main. Looks huge when you see it months beforehand and too small on the morning. Can there really be 250 chairs in there?
- is for invitations which can never be sent out early enough. Stand by for phone calls from invitees wanting all the information that was on the invite in the first place. Can we please introduce the literacy hour for adults? Please?
- stands for journey, horrendous and should command your sympathy. Latecomers will be sweaty, frantic, furious and in need of counselling. Keep back some Danish pastries for them. They need to moon the speaker in order to feel OK (see D) and it's your job to help them.
- represents keynote speaker. Industry insiders will use in-jokes that will amuse them and one other person. A hired gun from a bureau will bring swooshy PowerPoint presentations and be the best-dressed person in the room. The really naughty ones will turn up two nanoseconds before they are due on, leaving you looking a nasty shade of grey and unable to speak.
- is for lunch, where you must like everything as no lunch will accommodate everyone from Atkins dieters to the lactose/gluten intolerant. Make sure you can heap your plate and if anyone is that bothered, suggest they start your industry's version of Celebrity Fit Club.
- is for money. Whatever you do, don't look at how much you are being charged for bottles of fizzy water. It will put you right off your lunch (see above).
- stands for name badge. Make them more interesting by adding personal observations - "Mary Jones: Forever Complaining". Remove your name badge at the first possible opportunity. No point in the complainant knowing too much detail, is there?
- is for overheads, which are enormous fun as they remain resistant to every coloured pen known and so smudge. They also slip off the projector if the presenter gets overexcited after too much sugar.
- is for programme, which will change at the last possible moment as speakers get offered a better paying gig. Please ensure the delegates spend lots of time in groups and so not bothering you and that the finish is early enough so you can get home to watch The Simpsons.
- is for queuing. First one at registration as most people will stroll through the doors at 9.25 for a 9.30 start. Will occur at certain times throughout the day. Make sure you get your comfort break first or you won't get one at all as there will be queues for the loo, coffee and mini-Pavlovas.
- represents R&R, a vital element of any residential conference. Normally begins and sometimes stays in the bar. Sometimes involves delegates disappearing in pairs to "look over tomorrow's programme" which is kept in some very odd places.
- is for sanity, yours and the delegates. Yours will be intact at the start and have a fault line down it by the end. The delegates' has a permanent fault line. Why else would they be signing up for a day locked in a small room with strangers?
- stands for technician, AV. Make friends. They can make everything look so good and their control booth is a handy hiding place.
- represents unlimited buffets. It's free and tastes good. This is a very bad combination. I ate so much at last year's two-day conference last they almost had to grease the door jambs to get me out.
- stands for video. Speakers will use this to annoy you and complicate things. They are just showing off. Speak to your friendly technician, AV. They'll advise it's impossible to do because they can't reverse the neutron polarity of a Thursday. Or something.
- is for waiting, of which you will do much during the conference. Not at tables but around. It's exhausting.
- is for x-ray, the kind of vision you will need to possess in order to answer questions such as "Is that group about to come out of the room?"
- is for yawning. If you see too much of this in the main hall, hit the sprinkler system. It banishes that post-lunch slump in a jiffy and gets everyone mingling.
- stands for zoo conference organisation, a new way I have developed for organising these occasions. It's like zoo radio - lots of people stand about in a room all talking over the top of one another.
Lee Morrisey is a PA, writer, life coach, football fan and Gemini. When she is not being any of these, she can usually be found lying on the sofa, eating chocolate and ignoring the ironing.
