A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was

raining and put his head out the window to check. As he

did so a glass eye fell into his hand.



He looked up to see where it came from in time to see

a young woman looking down.



"Is this yours?" he asked.



She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.



On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man

a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly

afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's

plenty, would you like to join me?"



He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a

lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the

lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you

like to stay the night?"



The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with

every man you meet?"



"No," she replied, ""Only those who catch my eye!"

First of all I don't cook - ever!!  So I make no pretense about knowing anything to do with it, but I do know this - Southerner's cook EVERYTHING w/lard!  At least, my mom did (who was a Yankee but learned to cook southern for my dad!).



Snails??? Yuck!    I don't think I could even LOOK at one, much less get it anywhere near my mouth!!!



north carolina

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,

for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just #$%^ off and

leave me alone.



2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a

flat tire.



3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your

neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.



4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be

promoted.



5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.



6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.



7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.



8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a

warning to others.



9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities

without your help.



10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of

car payments.



11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their

shoes.



12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.



13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,

and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.



14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was

probably worth it.



15. Don't squat with your spurs on.



17. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.



18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.



19. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put

it back in your pocket.



20. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and

it holds the universe together.



north carolina

 He leaned in close blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"

 

 That does it, we're moving to Wisconsin.

In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men across the US were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy.  97.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.



While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.





north carolina



 

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.



"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."



The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The Doctor quickly responded, "$5000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."



The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the

male brain so much more?"



The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."



 

done

An English professor wrote the words:



"Woman without her man is nothing"



on the blackboard and directed the

students to punctuate it correctly.



The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."



The women wrote:"Woman!  Without her, man is nothing."

 

ROFLMAO = Rolling on the floor laughing my a** off.





nc



 

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the

strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.



The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran

into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who

could squeeze even one more drop of juice out would win

the money.



Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen,

etc.) but nobody could do it.



One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses

and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice,

"I'd like to try the bet."



After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK,

grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed

the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.



The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man

clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into

the glass.



As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000,

and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living?

Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"



"No," the man replied, "I work for the IRS."

 

Oh this sounds like something MY child would do!!



He got out of bed one night and hid under a table w/a long tablecloth.  I went to check on him and he was gone!  Imagine my panic!!  I went running into our room yelling to my husband, "Get up, get up - he's gone!!"  Needless to say, my husband came out of a sound sleep and almost suffered a heart attack.  The child refused to answer as we were calling for him - finally when he heard me start to cry then he came out.  I thought I would either kill him for doing that to me or grab him, hug him and never let go because he was safe!



nc

I know you've all probably seen this before - but there are a couple of new ones on here I wanted to share.



GE - # 13 made me think of you.



My favorites are: #1, #4, #5, #8, 12, 15, 16, 20, 21 and the one that best describes me (this week anyway!) is #23!





XPRESSIONS FOR A HIGH STRESS DAY

1. You - Off my planet

2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

5. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

6. I'm not crazy, Ive just been in a very bad mood for 30 yrs.

7. Allow me to introduce my selves.

8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

10. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

11. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

12. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.

13. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

14. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

15. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

16. You say I'm a b*** like it's a bad thing.  

17. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

18. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

19. Chaos, panic + disorder - my work here is done.

20. Earth is full. Go home.

21. Is it time for your medication or mine?

22. How do I set a laser printer to stun.

23. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

 

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a  blonde woman in the 4th row stands on

her chair and starts shouting: I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?"  "What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person ... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only  blondes, but women in general ... and all in the name of humor!"



The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells,  "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"



nc

I haven't either and from the sounds of it - I don't want to know!!!



nc