On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $ 20, for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state Over the next few minutes, he explained That his company had gone through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go - It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then, she showed him stock certificates issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were the largest stockholders in the bank.

She explained that for 30 years, she had charged him for sex and these holdings were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out

"If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

There will be no memorial service.

The bullet-ridden body was cremated.

From one of my bossie's whacko friends.  

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.

He wanted a new truck.  She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything  she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less.
"And my birthday is coming up.  You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services are pending.

*snerk*

Match up the animals and save them from the rain, but you only have 40 seconds.

A bit of entertainment when you take a break.


http://www.brookviewcottage.com/miles/cards/noah/noah.html

I just checked with DH the ex-marine and his response was "humph!!  I dunno.  Must be an army term. *snort*"  

He was going to check with a co-worker who was in the guard.  

Maybe JusPeachy can help.  Is she on-line?

From a fellow admin.  I don't have a clue where she got it from..

Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name
for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the
Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

                                Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just.......................

                          Are you ready for this?

                 Are you sure?............................

                      OK! Here it is! ...............

     ................... A RETIRED COMMON TATER

*snerk*

It's been a while since we've had a good groaner, so, in keeping with my screen name, here's one I received in a daily e-newsletter.



AT NEW YORK's Kennedy airport, an individual - later discovered to be a public school teacher - was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the U. S. Attorney General disclosed that he believes the man to be a member of the notorious algebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," he declared. "They seek average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to argue, there are three sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, the President stated, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. I am gratified that our government has shown us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs, who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence. Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."

The President warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen, unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor in random facts of vertex."

The Attorney General concluded, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertain of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens."  

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of  his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.  Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.  I want to take my money to the after life with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.  When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"  She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.  

Her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.".  The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian . I can't go back on my word.  I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!! !!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

*snert*

*snerk*

Doncha love it when you blindside people by your oh-so-efficient CYA documentation, especially when they think they have you over a barrel and don't realize that you've documented the situation to an inch of its life....

I LIVE for moments like that..

(picture me with an evil grinchy grin).

I'm sorry for the new employee.  She seems to be pretty level headed and understanding about it.  If she's got any sense at all, she will realize what really happened (even if no one ever tells her outright).

"I assure you that you can't go wrong if you ensure that they are all in compliance with the insurance contracts...."

Since we're raiding bossies' inboxes, here's one from mine....


Little Johnny asks, "Daddy, how was I born?"

His Daddy answers, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said, 'You 've Got Male!'"

I LOVE it!!!!!!!!!

I'm going to have to share this around.

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of animal to splatter every where, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

:-D

I've used the standard dry erase board cleaner that you get from Office Depot.  Unfortunately, as diamondlady mentioned, if the boards get heavy use, or you leave markings on there for a while, they will "ghost" or stain, and the markings will not completely come off.  

I think GlassCoat is the name of the type of dry-erase surface that helps avoid that.  Office Depot has them, but they are not inexpensive.   If they get a lot of use, that may be the better way to go.

Good luck!

This column by Andy Rooney is making the rounds in my office again.  It's still great, so I though I'd pass it along.  As a women who passed 30 MANY years ago, I tend to think Andy's right...


Here is a piece written by Andy Rooney - CBS 60 Minutes.

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 30 will not lay next to you in bed and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.


A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.


Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they
can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over
30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.

A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk or if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where your stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons.  Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire
pig, just to get a little sausage.

From one of my boss's many girlfriends.  Most of the stuff is that (IMO) overly saccharine forward-this-to-20-of-your-best-friends chain mail, but this one is a keeper...

Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"And why is that Eve?"

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"Man? What is that Lord?"

"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he is aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he will also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch Lord?"

"Well.....you can have him on one condition." "And what's that Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring.....so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret..............You know, woman to woman."

mwc