I got the "talk" yesterday.

[bohorquez]

This is my 3rd week back at work and I have to admit, things haven't gone smoothly when I returned.  Being gone for more than 2 months does take it's toll on some, me especially.  

I remember the first day back I couldn't even buzz myself in because I didn't remember the pass code.  I thought my work production was really good, getting things back the same day it was given to me but I guess that wasn't enough.  Here's what happened.

My boss K come to my desk and asked to speak to me in the conference room.  The first thing she ask was what is the problem because (and I quote) "It's like you don't want to be here" followed by "You're taking to long to get things done", "You have a lot of unhappy people here" (Big Boss K, and Boss D and herself).  "You're not focus".  "Big Boss says that everytime he goes to your desk you're on the phone" (nevermind I'm the one who handles the phones).  "Too many personal calls".  Now the calls are partly true BUT many many times it may sounds like a personal call and it's not.  Those who know me, know that I talk to everyone (clients, vendors) as though I've known them my whole life.  

I'm sleep deprived.  That's the truth.  Yeah I'm not as focus and it's not easy for me to get into the swing of things.  What's going on??  I have baby, Boss K.  That's what's going on.  I can't stop the personal calls when it comes to my baby.  My DH, Mom, Sister may call ... rare.  

I was upset, still am.  And sometimes I can't help but feel that I'm being targeted here.  So that's the lastest from me.  What can I do to improve?  I'm not really looking for an answer but someplace to get this out of my system.  

How are the rest of our new mommies doing now that we're back at work?  Are you not as focused?  Let me know

Help!

---
Bridget
Wife to Eduardo (12/4/99), Mommy to Aaron (10/26/01)

[chris68]

A Post from Winkiebear as follows:

"Bridget, I just wanted to say it WILL get better. As the baby gets older, you'll be a bit more comfy with being away... it'll never be "normal", but you will make it a routine.

As for lack of focus, I find myself with that problem a lot... I have to consistently tell myself to focus on what I'm doing. When there are a lot of distractions, such as the phone, or email, I have to forward my phone to voicemail (which doesn't sound like an option for you) and turn off my email application. It's the only way to save my sanity sometimes.

((hugs))
Good luck, m'dear... hang in there, it'll get better. "



Chris68
Deskdemon Forum Board Staff

[fireproof]

Oh my dear, I sympathize - it's so hard not to perceive criticism as a personal attack, especially when it's unexpected, and most especially when you are otherwise not feeling up to par!  However, you are having a purely emotional response to a purely "business" situation - understandable, maybe unavoidable, but unproductive to the max!  You have to step back, divorce yourself from your feelings, and figure out EXACTLY what Bossy K meant from a WORKING standpoint.

When I got to the end of your post, I got an inkling of what might be going on just from your sign-off!  Perhaps your "heart" really isn't in your job at the moment (I have noticed that you've been posting quite a bit lately).  Now perhaps it's a bit of the baby blues, maybe it's just because it's mid-winter and you're SADD, maybe you're having trouble adjusting to the new home situation, perhaps its a little of everything- your reason should not matter so much as your response.  

They seem to perceive you as distracted, and you are!  You need to regain your focus on the job - perhaps keeping a daily to-do list, or a log of things you accomplish during the day, might help you get back down to business.  Bossy K, despite the kamakazi attack, seems sympathetic and might be able to help you come up with a plan.

[goldenearring]

Bridget, you're may not like what I have to say, but here goes.  My first and biggest recommendation is to pull offline for a week or two and get back to business.  You wouldn't be back at work if you felt you didn't need to be back at work, and that needs to be your priority.  As far as phone calls, you are the only one who can monitor that.  I vaguely remember how difficult it was to get back into the swing of things, but it sounds like it is extremely important to the boss-i (that's the plural form of bossie) that you do just that and that you do it "tut suite."  Please don't be an unnecessary statistic during this time.  It's so much easier to keep a job that you've got that you know how to do well than to go out and try to round up a new one when you are getting used to a whole new way of life with little Aaron.  You are Post Toasties if they start monitoring your electronic activity, too!  Please do what you know you need to do in order to stay where you're at for now.  If it were me, I would develop a game plan, and then meet with each of the boss-i individually to let them know that I heard and understood "the talk," and here was how I planned to resolve their issues/what do they think?  That will keep your lines of communication open.  It's not time to panic, but it is time to start doing some tap dancing here, I think.  Hugs/you can do this!  GE

[fireproof]

I hope the last post wasn't too harsh; I truely meant it to be helpful.  I had a terrible time adjusting to coming back to work when my first baby turned out to be the most unbelievably beautiful, precious, adorable creature in the world!  It is very hard; and you will NEVER be the same person you were before the baby moved in and took over; but you HAVE to achieve some sort of equilibrium, or you'll never be happy.

Fireproof
(trying hard to administer a kick in the pants without hurting anybody)

[jadegrniiz]

Boy oh Boy, Bridget... can I relate!  Although, I haven't had *the talk* with bossie about being off-focused!

Alexis went back to work WITH me. Yes, she camped out in my office from the ripe old age of 5 weeks... and now at nearly 4 months, she started daycare (just this past Tuesday.)  I'm having a terrible start at this daycare.....  I'll post about it in Cafe....  and I just can't get a grip. My work is weeks behind, I even take some of it home and do it off the clock in hopes that no one notices how behind I am. I feel like I'm going in a million different directions at 100MPH, and get NOTHING accomplished. My home is a mess, my laundry is backed up....   what do I have to show for my time?

If I could quit my job, I probably would. Financially, it probably wouldn't hurt MUCH.... but, quitting my job loses the medical insurance for the entire family. And hubby can't insure my older child because she's a stepchild and not covered. And besides, I LOVE my job. I have unbelievable flexibility (might be SO flexible it is contributing to my problems) the people are wonderful....  I could go on and on. It's a dream job.

Best I can suggest is to not wander off into maternal bliss while at the office. Don't think about that pile of laundry, what to cook for dinner or even what's going on at DeskDemon. The faster you get your work done, the better.

But I wonder, though....   before Aaron was born, did you ever have the feeling that the bossie wasn't into kids or parenting? If you've felt that you are doing good with keeping workload flowing and this talk came as a surprise, I wonder if you are being singled out because bossie can't deal with an employee with sick kids. Maybe start documenting what's going on, so you have a written journal as well.

Just my $.02, for what it's worth





Jadegrniiz
Deskdemon Forum Board Staff

[bethalize]

Bridget, you know in your heart how much you have really done and how much you haven't.

If you want to keep your job, even if you would rather be at home, you owe it to your employers to be the 100% admin. You can probably be forgiven the extra 10% right now . I expect that you have dealt with someone who doesn't pull their weight in the office and how irritating everyone else finds it. Don't be that person.

If - and I mean if - you have actual physical reasons for not being able to work properly, seek medical help. I would like to draw a line here between not being able to do and not doing.

You've had the gypsy's warning now. Time to shape up. You are a professional: you know how much you are doing and what is taking longer than it could.

If such criticism has left you raw, think of it as having stripped away all the built-up complacency. Treat it like a new job: find your way again, re-establish your boundaries.

IF, and it's a big IF, you are the victim of some sort of prejudice, you would be foolish to live up to their expectations. There is no point waiting for them to sack you because you are a new mother. They won't. They'll say you weren't focused and made personal calls and so on. And you will have a devil of a job proving otherwise.

Make a note of all the personal calls you take or make and for how long they are. How many do you think is reasonabl? One every hour? That's eight calls a day. And for how long? Five minutes? That's forty minutes out of your day gone. Log them all.

Look at your situation with an outsider's perspective. Your bosses don't care that you have a baby. They want you to be a secretary. Should they cut you some slack? Maybe, if they are generous. But they don't HAVE to and chances are they'll give you five when you could do with 200.

When I read your post it came across as having an injured air (whatever the intention was). You need to make sure that doesn't creep in to your dealings with bossie. From the company's point of view, being a mother is something you chose to do, and therefore you must take responsibility for yourself.

I wish you all the best: it must be hard for you. Just make sure that all your decisions are made conciously.



Bethalize
Deskdemon Forum Board Staff

[lilithd]

I have to disagree that your boss doesn't care if you're a new mother or not. I was once in your shoes, except I, like every other new mother in the company, almost lost my job after maternity leave. It wasn't because I wasn't focused, they had already taken my desk, my phone extension and my clients away from me and given them to another woman and wouldn't give them back to me, so I had nothing really to focus on. (I had been busted down from #1 CSR to order entry/file clerk.) I began to notice that every woman who was coming back after maternity leave were offered lay offs. I was told at first that I had taken too long on my maternity leave and that I had to be let go. I pulled out a calendar and counted the days off for the HR guy. I was 4 days early. Then, he tried to convince me to take a lay off so I could be with the baby and draw unemployment. I refused and it made him angry, and that's when I found out that I was only a CSR in name only.  A few weeks after I got back, when I was being treated like a dog by the very women I trained, I started saying things like "discrimination" and "lawsuit". I was quickly offered a more lucrative position in the company. I kept that position for 3 more years before I left to come here. I can't help wondering, what would have happened had I not fought back and had all my ducks in a row? Definately, stop all personal calls unless it is an emergency. If you find that you miss Aaron during the day, frame a portrait of him and put it on your desk. It helps a lot. All of these things will help you to focus and with the cessation of the personal calls about Aaron, you'll find that you can focus much easier for longer periods of time. But, as was stated earlier, document everything! Don't let them catch you by surprise.
Good Luck and Blessings,
LilithD

[mlm668]

Bridget,

You don't say how many personal calls you are making/receiving and what they are about.  Regardless of your situation, your employer expects you be focused on work when you are at work.  If your husband, mother, etc. are just calling to check in with you, ask them to stop unless it is an emergency that will require you to leave work. Tell them you will call them on break or at lunch to check in.  You also don't say what your childcare arrangement is.  Whoever is watching Aaron for you should know your wishes and be capable of making small decisions for his care based on those.  Now if he becomes sick, they should call you immediately by all means.

My point is this.  When you are at work, you are an employee not a mother.  Once you walk out the door then you become mommy/wife again.  If you are unable to keep the two jobs separate both will suffer.  I know my view sounds cold, but it is the distinction I have had to make in my life.  I love my children and would have loved to have been a stay at home mom but circumstances didn't allow it.  However, if I don't keep the two separate I could lose my job and then where would we be?

Michelle

[lioness70]

I haven't posted here in a long time, but I know firsthand how you're feeling.  It did, partially, cost me my job.  I was the one working as a part-time admin last year.  I couldn't make the distinction between being a mommy and being an employee.  I admit that I was not taking the job seriously because I really didn't want to be working again.  I was complaining about the same things you were-they wouldn't let me leave early during snowstorms to take the baby home safely, they didn't like me calling to check up on the baby, even if I did it rarely.  I agree with the poster who said that employers should cut new moms some slack, but the fact is, many of them don't, and this one didn't.  In the end, everyone got their wish.  They got someone who didn't have the usual kid hassles (all the other AAs in that office had grown or no kids-that should have been a red flag to me), and I returned home to be with my son.  In fact, I got pregnant again duing the run of that job, and I doubt they would have kept me on after the baby (a girl, born in early December) was born.  I agree with everyone else-even if your heart isn't in the job, you have to hide your true feelings and be a professional if you want to keep the job.  It's not advice I could follow, because I really wanted to be with my babies, but unfortunately, that's the way the business world is.  They need to keep running, whether you're a mom or not.

[phoenix55]

I think I may be a bit spoiled and now I'm counting my blessings that I've been employed by the U.S.  government, which to me has proven to be a "family friendly" employer.

I'm sorry all of you have had these experiences.  There's nothing more important than being a parent and idealistically, everyone should know that.  I only hope now that when I deal with my staff and their family issues, I show as much empathy as I've been shown in the past and they never have to look back on their experience with me as you ladies have to do with your employers.

I hope things get better, Bridget.  Take care of yourself.

Karen

[superninjaadmin]

Welcome back!  I've missed you.  I've been wondering where you went.  Actually, I recall in a post a while back last year that you were pregnant.  I'm sure you've had the baby by now.  So... tell us.. Did you have a baby boy or baby girl?  Tell us details!  

SNA

[radaro]

Thank goodness I live in Ontario.  I got 6 months maternity leave (although now you can take up to ONE WHOLE YEAR).  By six months, the baby is sleeping through the night pretty much all the time.  My sister, in NY state, had to go back at six weeks (4 weeks short term disability (??) and 2 weeks vacation).

During mat leave you can collect employment insurance (54% of your earnings) which your employer can decide to top up to 100% of your earnings (mine didn't ).  When you get back to work, your employer is obligated by law to give you back your same job.  If it is no longer available they have to give you an equivalent or higher position.

I put both my kids (now 4 & in in-home daycares.  I liked this arrangement because you got personalized service but there were still enough kids for you child to learn how to socialize.  Once again in-home daycares in Ontario are regulated by law.  No more than two kids under the age of 2 or three kids under the age of 3.  Maximum of five kids in the house.

I worked through an agency.  The agency was able to provide nutrition, health and safety, and other courses to the in-home daycare providers.  Also, the agency did background police checks on all people in the house over the age of 18, they did surprise inspections and they were able to loan the providers big ticket items (cribs, highchairs, double and triple strollers).  The other thing the agency was good for was, if the provider was unable to provide care for a day (i.e. she was sick) the agency could find a back-up person.

[lioness70]

The baby is a girl, born on December 6.  Wow, time flies-she's almost 2 months old now!

I've been lurking for a long while.  Especially now, I don't have much time to post!

[superninjaadmin]

I found this tucked away and thought it was nice, so I thought I'd share:

REAL MOTHERS

Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it.

Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.

Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.

Real Mothers know that dried playdough doesn't come out of shag carpets.

Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.

Real Mothers sometimes ask "Why me?" and get their answer when a little voice says, "Because I love you best."

Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade...It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom...

THE IMAGES OF A MOTHER

4 Years of Age    My Mommy can do anything!

8 Years of Age   My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!

12 Years of Age   My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.

14 Years of Age   Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.

16 Years of Age   Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.

18 Years of Age   That old woman? She's way out of date!

25 Years of Age   Well, she might know a little bit about it.

35 Years of Age   Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.

45 Years of Age   Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?

65 Years of Age   Wish I could talk it over with Mom


THE BEAUTY OF A WOMAN

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears,

The figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes,
Because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole,
But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.

It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows,

And the beauty of a woman with passing years, only grows!