Years of commuting to work, loyal service, unpaid extra hours, working lunches and professional excellence are rewarded by many companies with three unpleasant dinner courses and a bottle of cheap wine. Sometimes public humiliation is actually pre-arranged on these occasions, perhaps in the form of a karaoke machine. But usually it's left to the staff to provide their own, based on large quantities of alcohol and inedible food.

Any form of organised office socialising is hell because, whatever management may say, no-one can relax for a second: the struggle for power is as fierce in a social environment as it is in the office itself.

There are different levels of office party:

1. Client parties
   
   Obviously, these are not given for the benefit of the staff. Employees of the company are not there to enjoy themselves, and they might be specifically told this. The point of the party is to impress the clients, ply them with drink and canapés, and show them what charming, happy people work for the company. Strict rules of behaviour might be set explicitly, depending on how far employees are trusted to behave themselves. Thinking of interesting things to say to complete strangers while being scrutinised by your boss can make for an excruciating evening.



2. Company celebrations
   
   These are almost but not quite as difficult as client parties. The focus is on celebrating the company, perhaps on an anniversary, so you still can't see the party as a simple excuse to get drunk at someone else's expense. Instead of thinking of interesting things to say to clients you've never met, you have to think of interesting things to say to the people who control your salary. There will be rousing speeches, and you will be expected to display loyalty to the company by cheering loudly (possibly even whooping) and talking about company achievements.



3. Christmas parties
   
   Christmas parties are supposed to be for employees to have a good time without having to worry about clients or work - it's a purely social occasion, and the usual constraints of the office hierarchy are removed. Everyone will have a great time!
   
   This is, of course, nonsense.
   
   For a start, you're having to spend extra time with your colleagues. And of course the hierarchy still exists, you just have to pretend it doesn't. Office politicians see office parties as a golden opportunity for furthering their careers, and flagrant brown-nosing ensues. If there's an opportunity to introduce themselves to senior management they will grasp it with both hands, all of which can be stomach-turning to witness. You can be sure that your boss will notice and make a swift judgement on anything you do. If you get drunk and snog someone, everyone will notice. You might think that the minefield of the Christmas party is best avoided, but you can't get out of them unless you really don't care about your promotion prospects.

Office Party Do's and Don'ts

DON'T:

• ask for a pay rise
• resign
• dance in a really stupid way
• take off any of your clothes
• punch anyone
• sing
• start and sentence with "Do you want to know what I really think?"

DO:

• leave before there's any danger of bad behaviour, perhaps with a select band of like-minded colleagues (but be careful not to leave too soon)
• keep away from any mistletoe
• behave conservatively at all times
• keep away from anyone you fancy
• try not to become unspeakably drunk.

The best thing about office parties is the possibility of the top brass becoming unspeakably drunk and embarrassing themselves hideously. Then you might be treated to the unattractive but hilarious phenomenon of drunken dancing, senior management style!