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I have a male  coworker who spreads malicious gossip about me. I have not had concrete proof until this past Friday when a coworker told me that he said that I  am "fu__d up." If he is saying that to her, lord knows what he is saying to other people. This coworker is highly valued by management because he is very overqualified for the job: he is highly educated and productive. I would like advice on how to deal with this. My guess is he made that statement because I am a sensitive person who can at times be emotional but that does not give him a right to defame me.

Keep your emotions in check.  You have two options, calmly confront him and ask that he keep his opinions about you to himself, or keep dwelling on it.  Only confront him if you have concrete proof that he is saying derogitory things about you.  Just politely tell him you would prefer he not talk about you in that manner.  At least he knows, you know.

Key is to remain calm, "matter of fact" and keep your emotions out of it.  

Muffin, if I have got this right, it's a co-worker who has made this remark not a manager?!

I would refrain from doing anything at the moment.  Try not to hang around or gossip with this person.  I would also be wary of the person who repeated the remark - why would anyone do that?  Do you trust the person who told you or are they known for causing trouble also?

It's hard enough to out a bully never mind a co-worker or manager.

Take a note of the incident for now and file it for future reference.

If your "friend" ever raises this matter again, you could enquire why you are being told the bit of gossip about yourself.  It may surprise you how little you hear about it in the future.  It is possible that your co-worker was trying to be kind to you in a back-handed sort of way.

The other point that you raise is really about managing your emotions in the workplace.  It is possible that you are in a difficult place in your life, as well as being very sensitive.  You perhaps need to give that some thought and find some coping strategies.

With respect to the gossipers, I would steer clear of both of them and not give either of them space to gossip about you.  Gossip, like a fire, requires oxygen - the oxygen of other people listening.  If you deprive the gossip of oxygen then it won't be able to flourish.  That said, one of my dearest friends used to say "what they know they will repeat; what they don't know they will make up".  You can't stop gossip, but you can rise above it.  

Just thinking about this a little more and I actually believe the co-worker who repeated the statement is very much to blame and has got involved in what I would describe as indirect bullying eg. not done directly to you.

This is very serious as the co-worker has not only repeated something that was said in very bad taste but has also involved themselves in this situation.

Dignity in the workplace is very important but malicious gossip is very hard to prove.  I would avoid both of these people for a while and if ever asked why I would give my reason.  

This is bullying and should not be tolerated!

Actually I am inclined to disagree with some of the other comments here. I certainly would not blame the co-worker who advised me that negative things were being said about me. In fact, I would thank them for bringing it to my attention.

If someone says something once, I might be inclined to let it slide. However if it happens more than once, I would definitely address it (and to be honest I would usually address it the first time).

I would go to the first co-worker and ask to meet with them privately.  I would then very calmly and professionally state something to the effect of "I have received some feedback that you have made negative comments about me to our co-workers. I'd like to talk to you about this and allow you to clear the air with me about anything you have to say. I'd also like to ask that going forward, if you have something negative to say that you please come and talk to me directly rather than stating negative things to our co-workers and damaging my reputation."

Now at that time, you need to be prepared for the fallout - which is that he may indeed tell you the negative things that he thinks about you. Don't get all defensive. Just allow him to speak and thank him for his opinions. On the positive side though, he may apologize for his actions. You'll never know unless you sit down and talk to him directly and call him out on his behavior and let him know that you are aware of it.

Most people don't have the guts to say negative things directly to people. They usually only whisper in the shadows with gossip and innuendo. Light and directness are the enemy of gossip.

Good luck. I know how frustrating this can be, but it's also an opportunity to enhance your relationship with your co-worker.

Marie
Peer Moderator

Marie,

I understand what you are saying.  Confronting the first co-worker could result in that person denying anything was said at all.

This is bullying and if someone said a comment like that to me, in work, I would take it further.  Likewise if I heard this said about someone I would not repeat it.  It's not professional to get involved in idle gossip like that.

I certainly would not confront anyone to hear more negative things said about me to my face.  

This needs nipped in the bud right away.

I definitely don't agree. I think everyone deserves the opportunity to defend themselves from accusations. If the answer were not satisfactory or if they continued doing the negative action, I would then escalate it to HR, where I could explain that I had tried to resolve the issue directly with the employee in question.

When I said more negative things might be said, I didn't mean that someone had to sit and be abused for an hour. However, the fact of the matter is, sometimes people say things that sound negative, but in fact are truthful. We may not like what they have to say, but if we want to address the situation, we may have to face the bad with the good so that the whole issue gets resolved.

If I am going to tell someone to come to me when they have a problem with me rather than talking to co-workers, then I'd better be prepared to listen to what their problem is with me. Sometimes that means I hear things that I don't like, but that doesn't mean it isn't good for me to hear those things, since it can help me grow as a person and improve my character and how I interact with other people.

Marie
Peer Moderator

I totally disagree as the statement that was said and the language that was used was totally unacceptable.  Saying someone is "fu__d up" is just not acceptable in any working environment.

If it was untrue then the second co-worker should not have repeated it but by doing so, they got themselves involved also.

A very dangerous game is being played and not one I would want to be in the middle of.  It sounds very much like one co-worker gossiping about another.  If it was a manager who had a problem it would be dealt with properly eg. brought in, sat down and discussed, not said in passing.

Muffin I guess you will use your own instincts here and do what is right for you.

I spoke to the coworker who gossiped. I thanked the person who told me about this.

I went to the department manager who essentially came to the gossiping worker's defense. He started off with this legalese crap about the gossp being hearsay. He also emphasized my need to "get along with people."

I am disgusted. I plan to take this to the Union but feel I will get the same crap.

I

I think it's time to dust off the resume.  Option II start documenting everything!

Surely the Union cannot be seen to condone bullying on any level.  This is against all the tenets of their existence.

Muffin you did the right thing - that is what a union is for.  My company has a union and they would not tolerate that kind of behaviour here, regardless of whether it was hearsay or repeated or overheard - it's unprofessional.

You needed to action this and you have, don't let it go until you get a result.

People, this is not about dusting down your resume, how rude.  This person has suffered, albeit indirect abuse.  I hope you never have to go through any of this.  We spend 7-8 hours a day at work and we wouldn't accept that behaviour from a friend or family member so it shouldn't have to be tolerated in work.

I wish Raindance were here to advise you, Muffin!  She used to be a union shop steward until she started her new job and went into the board-room (traitor LOLOLOLOL).

Muffin, I have just read my company's policy on Dignity in the Workplace, and you will be glad to know this behaviour is totally against the code of conduct and includes words said as well as actions.

If such a statement was said to your face then that is detrimental to your character.  It is harrassment and HR must intervene, as you are the victim.

I feel very strongly about this.  No one should have to suffer at the hands of idle gossip.

Muffin,

Our company has a bullying and harrassment policy which states " Harrasment is any unwanted physical, verbal or non-verbal conduct, which has the purpose or effect of affecting workers' dignity or creates an intimidating, hostile, degradin, humiliating or offensive environment.

Harrassment generally arises whre a worker has made it clear that they find certain behaviour unwelcome and that behaviour has continued unchanged.

The procedure for dealing with it as follows;  

Make it clear to your harasser that the behaviour is unacceptable and must stop. You should explain clearly to the person responsible that the bahviour in question is not welcome and that it offends you or makes you uncomfortable.  If you cannot speak to the individual, you should try handing a written request to the harasser.

If the behaviour continues or escalates then a complaint (in writing) must be made to your line manager and the line manager of the individual where necessary.


Keep a note of any instances where the behaviour occurs and if you have witnesses, being fobbed of by other people could make them complicit in the harrassment.

While this is not something to be taken lightly by anyone, feelings have got a little high in these posts.

I know that some of you have had experience (either personally or indirectly) of things like this in the past and this has clearly coloured some postings.

Again, just a reminder, play nice!!

And Muffin, good for making a decision about what to do and acting on it.  Keep us posted as to how you get on with your union.

Jackie, Peer Moderator

Bear in mind, if I have read this correctly, the words were not said to her.  They were repeated by a co-worker.  Therefore, they are considered hear say.

Thank you all for your support and advice. I appreciate it greatly. Here is the latest.

When I was alone with the coworker who told me about that comment, she confirmed that he, in fact, did say that I was "fu_d up." I wrote to the manager and asked him to note this, whether or not he thought it was hearsay and to please talk to the gossiper.

I also contacted my Union and they told me that they could help if this behavior continued.

Yesterday the gossiper called me at work (he works the earlier shift) and told me that after thinking about it, he remembered that he did say the I was "fu-d up." He told me that it was in the context of the other person complaining about me. And today he went on about how he feels like he is in the middle of a conflictual relationship between me and the other coworker. It is true that she and I often butt heads. He also went on about what a difficult person I am to work with -- did not give me specifics today. He suggested a mediation session to which I enthusiastically agreed. The other coworker with whom I butt heads does not agree to mediate. She wants to document his behavior and actions and take it to our manager. If that does not help, she told me that she will go to plan B. She also has problems with this coworker. I want to proceed with the mediation with the gossiper and have a Union rep present.

Despite his admitting that we all have a role to play in what is going on, I feel that the gossiper is manipulative and is just trying to pit me and the other coworker as the bad guys,

Muffin, also bear in mind that "the gossiper" wants to clear his name.  By owning up and admitting what he did he wants to get back into everyone's good books.  He still said something he shouldn't.

The co-worker in the meantime is miffed that you 2 are making up so to speak so she is huffing and doesn't want to get involved.  Shame really considering she got involved in the gossiping in the first place!

Good luck with the mediation session.  In my opinion, neither of these individuals are to be trusted.

Good luck with the mediation. It does sound like the gossiper has been called out and is now scurrying away to not face the music and own up.  Although what was said is wrong, I hope you all can clear the air and you can take their constructive criticism and turn it around and put it to good use for the future.  Too bad it has to come to this but hopefully it will turn out and all will learn from it.

I am going to ask that coworker who told me about the malicious gossip to mediate. My bet is she will refuse. This coworker can be volatile at times -- which is why our working relationship isn't  what I would like.

If the Union requests her to be there, wouldn't she have to comply?

No she does not have to comply. I spoke with her and she does not want to mediate.

I am much more mistrustful of the male coworker who said I am f_d up. I think he is a trouble maker. I have an appt with the Union tomorrow morning.

Thank you everyone for all your support and guidance.

Edited by jackie on 12/02/09 12:54 PM.

I really sympathise with you. And hope so much you resolve this.
I am currently experiencing the same problem, my admin line manager is gossipping to my coworker (and trusted friend) about me. Coworker has warned me. I cannot confront manager for fear of betraying co-worker's confidence. And Im new and was desperate for this job. I dont want to involve the Directorr who I am PA to. Figure I'll just keep my head down and ignore the Manager. Rise above it as all you ladies seem to say to do. I'll just continue to cry in the car on the way home, ha. And always remember that if people say horrible things about you then they musnt like themselves very much.

Keep on truckin...

Yes it's a difficult one and of course you don't want your trusted friend and co-worker to get into trouble.

Are you able to confide in anyone else, another co-worker or manager perhaps?  You shouldn't have to put up with this.  Anyone who gossips has little else to do and as you say, obviously doesn't like themselves very much.

People tend to avoid a bully, keep their head down but this only allows them to carry on with their silly games.  If you can ignore it, but if things get worse I would speak with your bullying and harrassment officer or HR.

Your trusted friend and co-worker should do you a favour and put an end to this also.